[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,![]()
You Might Also Like
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
![]()
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶![]()
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
![]()
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
![]()
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.