Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?