Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

😂🐈‍⬛

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.