Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

COVID-19: …

Alpha Variant: …

Delta Variant: …

Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again