Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
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Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
ready to be harvested
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
*pronounces surface like Versace*
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags: