Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*