Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am