Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

What happened to the other hiker??!

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.