Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

The 6 types of sex

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

i made a craigslist ad !

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.