Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

Greeting humans vs their dogs

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

That’s not how days work.

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

They’re not wrong

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.