Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

Employees must applaud the planets.

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.