Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

Now colored!

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

BREAKING NEWS

Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015

Use it while you can, white girls