Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.

Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.

Priest:

Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

Posting this on behalf of a friend

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle