Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.