Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

catch me on valentine’s day like

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

I wish all tests were things you peed on

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

can’t believe I got front row seats

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]