Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

Haha good job!!

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.