Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
You Might Also Like
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Phonetics
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.