{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
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I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.