{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
You Might Also Like
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.