Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants