[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
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When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what