Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.