Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true š„¹ canāt wait to see how it all ends!!!
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Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
āyou attract what you fearā ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
A level of petty I can get with š¤£
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You donāt remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. Itās uh..
Bond: Cāmon this is our 3rd fight
Oh, please donāt pay attention on that voodoo doll youāre going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
āTake me to your leaderā
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wifeā¦
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he canāt even afford
A washer or a dryer
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so Iām doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
āHow do you do, fellow birds?ā
Australia just passed the āRight to Disconnectā law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like Iām moving to Sydney.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8ās head
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
some cats are just doing for fun!
MOM: sleep tight, donāt let the bedbugs bite š
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I canāt bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
You sound unhinged. Letās go get mugshots.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. Thatās like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Iām old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.