Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
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i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
The Others (2001)
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year