Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift