Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
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IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?