Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 馃ス can鈥檛 wait to see how it all ends!!!
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[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Mom texted that she鈥檚 enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
The wife and I decided we鈥檙e gonna try and have another baby so now she鈥檚 distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
My husband told me I鈥檇 better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”