@figgled

Watching a movie and loudly saying ‘couldn’t do that now. because of covid’ every ten seconds

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@AristotlesNZ

Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having…

@GlennHowerton

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

@pilau

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

@HLFHM

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

@Tbone7219

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

@hpb777

A fun way to find bleach in your coffee is to tell me I’m turning into my mother.

@Vodkantots

“We hug and kiss, but people just don’t lick each other.”

-yet another lie I just told my toddler

@Ygrene

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

@offbeatoliv

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…