I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
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My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I like long walks away from everyone
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face