Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
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Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I feel it
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming