Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

👍

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

me when I see my crush

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.