Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

Spring cleaning checklist…

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

I just love that new Pope smell.

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK