Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

Kids: We’re bored!

Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke