watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
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God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Good lord
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?