watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
You Might Also Like
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
What is going on? 😅
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you