watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
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We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I’d rather fork than spoon.