Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

selena gomez

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

My favorite female superhero

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

did it work

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.