Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
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we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Mouse
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor