[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
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my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I’m not sorry.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I triple waxed for this?
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.