[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
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[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
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My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I get distracted pretty eas
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
no regrets
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Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
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[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.