Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

Beware of the dog..

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick