Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.