[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
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‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Sing it!
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”