[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
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Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
RT if you could go either way.
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.