Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At least he brought enough for everyone

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.