Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A completely valid reaction tbh

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

If I ignore life will it go away?

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”