[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
You Might Also Like
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
why does this building look like a guilty dog
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
My plans: 2020:
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.