Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

Lube but for my dry humor.

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?

Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.

10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.

My wedding will be open casket.

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.