Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

The forest creatures begin stampeding.

You turn to me, clearly scared.

“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.

You smile nervously. “Thank go—”

“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

I’d rather fork than spoon.

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

ㅤ

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.