[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
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Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
*looks at you in batman voice*
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
All set.
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.