[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
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Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.