Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!

A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit