Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
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My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick