Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
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if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
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Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
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You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
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Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock