Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.