[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
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BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
me and the Superbowl rn
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.