Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.