Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

They’re stuck in your pants?

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?