Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

That 👊

Take care of yourself, ladies

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.