[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
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– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I’m pretty like a car crash.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?