Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

Worth a try

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

I think about this a lot

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.