Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

#inspiration #foodforthought

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered