Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.