Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

Canada has crack?

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.