[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
You Might Also Like
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
I love it all
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.