Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

Should I call tech support or pray or what

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed