Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
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Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
You’re not my real can
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
