Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

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I got drunk and woke up in the gutter.

This is my sewer side note.


Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.


Yelling “shotgun” when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.


“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.


Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”


Are all females on twitter moms? Is my mom here? Mom? You there doin drunk tweets?


a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you’re supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot


So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.