Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
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‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
my first day as a raccoon
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws