*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
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I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people