*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
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Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.