Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online

AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’