Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.