Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

What do you text your spouse?

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.