[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
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You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I am patiently waiting for your email
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
#inspiration #foodforthought
