[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
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My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro