Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here

3 yr old: no

Me: you just want bare feet?

3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.