*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
You Might Also Like
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT