*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
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*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist