*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
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BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
My first son he is wonderful
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right