Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
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My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
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Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Clients after you give them your rates
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A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
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To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.