Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
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I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
you have three unread messages
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
How did we not see this back then?
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST