Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.