[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
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dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”