mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
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Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Made something I’m not proud of
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.