@sonictyrant

[Watching Avatar for the first time]

girlfriend: this is amazing

me: that’s the most elaborate smurf village i’ve ever seen

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@samsara668

They say I can take the catheter out next week. And no, I’ll never piss on an electric fence again

@TheMichaelRock

My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.

@Darlainky

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

@jdforshort

Laying in bed, watching the ceiling fan spin, my thoughts wonder to

1. Who turned the ceiling fan on
2. Why don’t I have telekinetic powers

@dadmann_walking

me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]

[Bed time]

Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!

@EndhooS

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

@DanMentos

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

@truegritrumble

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

@Marcmywords2

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

@freebirdy31

I said I was sorry three times looking in the mirror and now I’m in Canada