[Watching Avatar for the first time]

girlfriend: this is amazing

me: that’s the most elaborate smurf village i’ve ever seen

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One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.


Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.


My 7 year old daughter just told me that she wants to be an electrician when she grows up so that she can come to work with me every day. I don’t mind admitting that I cried. I thought I’d finally get some time to myself when she grew up and left home.


Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.


I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.


Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!