I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
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When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
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WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you