[Watching Avatar for the first time]

girlfriend: this is amazing

me: that’s the most elaborate smurf village i’ve ever seen

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They say I can take the catheter out next week. And no, I’ll never piss on an electric fence again


My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.


A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.


Laying in bed, watching the ceiling fan spin, my thoughts wonder to

1. Who turned the ceiling fan on
2. Why don’t I have telekinetic powers


me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]

[Bed time]

Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!


“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]


“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”


My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.


Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.


I said I was sorry three times looking in the mirror and now I’m in Canada